


Professor Eudice Eusyram

by I_Smell_Rates



Series: Eudice Eusyram [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Mary Sue, Multi, Parody, Written Pre-Half Blood Prince
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-07
Updated: 2005-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26428861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates
Summary: The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Eudice Eusyram, is perfect and now Snape is jealous! How will he get back on her? A spoof on Mary Sue fan fiction in the same mold as "Airplane!"Originally posted on FictionAlley in 2005.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom/Severus Snape
Series: Eudice Eusyram [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922371
Comments: 1





	Professor Eudice Eusyram

"Wonder who the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be?" mused Ron Weasley as the sixth-year Gryffindors sat waiting for their new teacher.

"It's strange," commented Hermione Granger. "The new teacher usually arrives at the beginning of the term." They both glanced at Harry Potter, who shrugged his shoulders.

Suddenly, an incredibly gorgeous woman, who was _not_ Brittany Spears, walked in the classroom. She was American and a genius when it came it everything. She also happened to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form was that of a Kelpie, it meant she could turn into almost anything. She had also been Remus Lupin's girlfriend when they were at Hogwarts and had written the Marauder's Map, but let Lupin and his friends take credit for it because she was so generous and humble.

"Hello," she told the class, "I'm Professor Eudice Eusyram, but you can all call me by my first name." All the boys, especially Ron, were staring at Eudice because she was so incredibly gorgeous. She didn't seem to notice all this because she was perfect.

"Today, I'll introduce you to all my pets," she told the class. She spent the next hour telling them all about her six billion and three pets and showed the class pictures of them. Everyone loved them and they all loved her, because she was perfect. Since she was a genius when it came it everything, she knew even more about the animals than Hermione Granger!

However, Hermione wasn't jealous. In fact, no one was because they all loved Eudice so much. When they arrived in Potions, the entire class was still talking about Eudice, because they loved her so much.

"She's the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher ever!" said Dean Thomas happily.

"Yeah, I hope she stay for the rest of our time at Hogwarts," added Parvati Patil.

"Who's your stupid new teacher _this_ time?" asked Snape contemptuously.

"Eudice Eusyram!" said Ron happily. "We all love her so much because she's perfect!"

All the Gryffindors in the class did love Eudice a lot, but Snape, who looked down on the class, did not. He hated her because he had been jealous of her since they had been at school together. Therefore, he decided to get revenge on her immediately.

  


Snape sat in his dull, boring office, trying to find a way to get back at Eudice in a way that didn't involve either murder or dementors. Snape's office was dull and boring because he was evil. Suddenly, Snape got an evil idea, because he was evil. He picked up a little bottle with "Phreneticus Potion" written on it and an evil smile crept across his face because he _was_ evil.

"This potion impairs the drinker's self-control and judgment," said Snape aloud so any eavesdroppers could hear him clearly. "I'll put it in Eusyram's pumpkin juice and she'll drink it. I have to do this because Eusyram is perfect and I'm evil!"

And that's exactly what he did. After he was done, he decided to have some more fun and put some of the potion in Harry, Ron and Hermione's cups.

"That will teach those Gryffindors a lesson for loving Eusyram so much and not being evil like me," Snape laughed. Snape always wore black because he was evil, but he had seven pairs of pink boxers and was secretly gay. He had a crush on Neville Longbottom, but would never admit it because he was evil.

However, little did Snape know it, Eudice was skilled in Legilimency because she was a genius when it came it everything. Therefore, she already knew what Snape had done and turned her pumpkin juice into a puppy. She had always wanted a puppy. She didn't stop Harry, Ron and Hermione from drinking their pumpkin juice, because she knew this was the only why everyone would end up together the way they were supposed to.

Ron and Hermione drank theirs and suddenly their secret feeling for each other were overwhelming. They kissed and hugged each other. Harry drank his next and suddenly his secret feeling for Luna Lovegood were overwhelming. He ran over to the Ravenclaw table and gave her a big kiss with everyone in the school watching, even Michael Corner! When Harry kissed Luna, it caused some of the potion to get in her mouth too, so her secret feeling for him were suddenly overwhelming.

However, the potion wore off in the next thirty seconds. Red-faced, the four of them came up with humorous explanations for their behavior that didn't make any sense. Draco Malfoy was inspired by all the lovemaking and decided to run away from his evil family and marry Ginny Weasley, because she was cute. No one saw either of them again, except Mundungus Fletcher and that was because he got lost.

"What are you two doing?" he asked them.

"We're getting married!" Draco said happily.

"Surely you can't do that!" Mundungus said in shock.

"We _are_ ," Draco told him, "And don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After you've been such a good girl and had a crush on Harry and everything, how could you turn to the Dark Side?" Mundungus asked Ginny desperately.

"Because I found out that Draco is actually very nice, but he just hides it whenever Potter's around, because he likes people to think he's a bad boy," Ginny answered.

This convinced Mundungus to go away and steal some more cauldrons. As you can see, Eudice was right and everyone _was_ happier because she was perfect and a genius when it came it everything. However, Snape became jealous again and decided to try and get back at her by challenging her to a duel.

"I'm going to win," laughed Snape to himself. "After all, I'm evil and she's a woman. She has no chance."

However, Eudice was also perfect and she decided to not only fight Snape without any weapons, but also without any clothes on. This was to make all the boys ogle over her even more and to make all the girls jealous, because she was incredibly gorgeous. She got the whole school to watch them and shamelessly displayed her naked body because she was perfect. Snape had clothes on because he was evil (not to mention very ugly.)

"You have met your match," Snape said, pointing his wand and trying not to get distracted by Eudice's incredibly gorgeous body. "Prepare to be--" 

Snape never finished that sentence, because Eudice jumped on him and in five seconds she had beaten him up so much he couldn't move. She stood over him with her legs spread out so everyone could see her intimate parts. Snape was so hurt he started to cry and begged for mercy.

"On one condition only," Eudice told him. "You drink a quart of Phreneticus Potion."

Snape did so and suddenly his secret feeling for Neville Longbottom were overwhelming. Colin Creevey snapped a few pictures while Snape and Neville had sex and posted them around the castle. When Snape returned to his normal state, he was so embarrassed and humiliated that he moved to Mexico. Eudice took over as headmistress of Hogwarts because she was perfect and Dumbledore retired. Everyone lived happily ever after except Snape, who was now living in Mexico, and Filch, who got fired and sent to the South Pole.

"I don't think I could go back!" Ron said happily.


End file.
